WWFD

A few weeks ago, a collective gasp was heard throughout social media when Amazon acquired Goodreads. This strange, yet brilliant acquisition got me thinking.  WWFD. What would Fusco do?  What would I do if I owned Amazon, acquired Goodreads, and planned to take over the book buying universe?  Yeah, my brain can be used for evil. I have a day job. I’m well versed in sinister.

So, I did what I do when the axis of evil takes over my brain: I listed all the ways I’d put the collective fuck to authors, publishers, and the book buying public by ram-rodding them into buying what I, Great Ruler of Amazon, wanted.

Here’s how:

1. Consume data like it’s covered in chocolate: So far, Goodreads users have treated the site like it was their own personal safe haven. They added, uploaded and reviewed books, and they thought, quite foolishly, no one was watching.  Oh. Hell. No. Not only were the good folks at Goodreads recording everything you clicked, liked, and TBR’d. Now, they’re turning that data over to Amazon, to make the company smarter, faster and more efficient at selling you shit you don’t need.
2. Biatchslap the Author:  I love authors.  Some of them are my friends, clients and BFF’s. However, nowadays, thanks to Amazon and CreateSpace, everybody’s a fucking author. Whether they should be is another blog for another day. But, if I owned Amazon/Goodreads, anybody who could form a complete sentence would get the screws handed to them if they wanted to advertise on my site. You see, now, I’ve got the data to the readers you want.  Look out bitches, it’s gonna cost ya. Sure, I’d sell it–if it were legal. Thank God it’s not. So, instead, I’ll tell you to bend over and reach for your ankles while I decrease your royalties and up your cost to target your readers.  Just leave your money on the nightstand, dear author. Oh. Wait. You don’t want to pay me to advertise your book? That’s alright.  “NEXT!!!”
3. Beat the Big 6 into Submission: See that, that’s me, Amazon/Goodreads, the fat kid in the sandbox. It’s time to play by my rules. While over the years I’ve appreciated your love of the written word, chase of trends, and airplane reads, I’d plan to send to you running for cover and only publish shit no one reads, like poetry and recipe books. In fact, I’d beat you back so far that it would force you to become smaller, niche, and more nimble by keeping your overhead low, print runs smaller and expectations realistic.  My plan wouldn’t be to shut you down altogether. While I could easily be the only book selling game in town, I do need a dog to kick once in a while.
4. Line my pockets with gold: Amazon is in the publishing game for one reason, and one reason only, to grow revenue.  And once my pockets are filled to the brim, I’m going to look to other ways to exploit the arts for my own financial gain.  I’d fool the public into recording their own music, creating their own video games and to share with friends, or starring in their own feature film.  Who needs Hollywood when you’ve got me Amazon/Goodreads/Chocolate Data Covered Fat Kid?

It’s probably a good thing I don’t run Amazon. I’m old school. I like things the way they were. I like to read books and not feel forced to write a review, like the author on Facebook, or download the next series to my Kindle HD, superfast e-reader spy gadget.

So, no more Goodreads for me, if you need me, I’ll be reading a good book, in hard cover, at the library.

How to Choose a Writer’s Conference

PJ here, happy to be on the East coast and back in my own bed…ahhhh. After doing this writing thing for a while, I’ve been to quite a few writer’s conferences, and I wanted to share my experience on how to choose the “right” conference for you. If you belong to RWA or a similar writer’s organization, you probably get inundated with lots of options. Here are a few things to think about.

Location/Accommodations: Check out the hotel venue and make sure the location is some place you’d like to stay for a few days. A bad night’s sleep, disappointing food, or poor quality hospitality can really put a damper on your stay. It’s worth visiting the hotel’s website and checking out their reviews. Make plans for car rental and recreational activities ahead of time so you don’t get there with hopes of visiting a locale on your “down time” only to find that you can’t get a car rental on short notice or the place you want to visit is closed. Although you are going for business, one of the perks of traveling is enjoying the sights along the way. Also, check to see what is around your hotel. Are there local restaurants and shopping within walking distance? Is there a gym? An indoor pool? Are you next to a train yard, airport, or in a bad section of the city? Some of these things may not be important to you, but if they are, make sure you know what you are paying for ahead of time. Scope out your hotel and surrounding area on Google maps.

Price: Is it affordable and worth the money for what you are getting? Are meals included? Are the speakers well known and knowledgeable? Is it worth your time, money, and effort? Remember to consider your loss of income while you’re away from your day job, and factor in any accrued costs such as wardrobe, entertainment, and additional travel fees (taxis, trains, buses etc.). Remember to save all receipts for tax purposes.

Focus of conference: Does the conference offer workshops that will help you further your career goals? If you are a newer writer, make sure there are craft workshops geared to what you’d like to learn. If you are seeking publication, are there opportunities to meet with agents and editors to pitch your story? Agent and editor panels offer a great opportunity to ask questions, find out what they are looking for, and hear the latest about the industry from publishing professionals. If you are a published author, do they offer promotion, marketing, and business oriented workshops? Interested in self-pubbing? Do they offer the most updated information available in this rapidly growing and changing aspect of the industry? If you are participating in a book signing, how successful have previous years been and how many readers can you expect to see? Shipping books is expensive, so ask for clear answers about realistic expectations. My experience is that print books don’t sell all that well at conferences and I rarely recoup the cost of shipping. I can see e-books being the way to go for future signings.

Networking: Conferences are a wonderful place to meet like-minded individuals and make professional contacts that you might never have the chance to meet otherwise. Don’t stalk the agents and editors but research them and know who you’d like to make a connection with. Make the effort to sit next to them at lunch or dinner (or in the bar). Be ready to talk intelligently about your work. Be prepared with a SHORT pitch of your WIP. Create a one or two sentence summary (log line) of what your story is about. The most common question asked at conferences is “What do you write?” The second most common question is “What is your story about?” Have an answer memorized and ready, and confidently smile as you give them your brief spiel. Don’t monopolize their time, but use the time wisely. If you get tongue tied and start rambling or their eyes begin to glaze over, stop talking and ask them a question about something unrelated. Where are you from? Are you a writer, too? Do you love baseball, zumba, pole dancing? Something that will put you at ease and take the heat off of you until you can collect yourself and get comfortable enough not to sound like an idiot. These are just people, but they are professionals and are there to FIND YOU! Respect their time, but don’t let your fear stop you from putting yourself out there.

Quality Speakers: I cannot stress this enough. Do some research on the speakers. What are their publishing/professional credentials? Just because they are there, doesn’t mean they are interesting, entertaining, or an expert in their field. Have they done this workshop before? How many times? Ask around to other writers and check out the websites of your presenters. If they don’t have a professional website that is engaging and informative, it might be an indicator that they aren’t all that well organized.

Organization: If you’ve ever participated in organizing a conference, you know about the gazillion moving parts and the army of people it takes to put on a seamless production. Of course there are always things that go wrong or details that get missed, but overall, organizers want it to be a good experience for everyone and they want attendees to return year after year to support the effort. If they don’t return e-mails, or answer your questions clearly up front, chances are the conference won’t be much better organized than the individuals running it. Conferences are generally a way for organizations to make money to support writers and their endeavors, so organizers (who are all volunteers, so be patient and kind to these people) are invested in making your conference experience successful. If there are suggestions you have for improvements, be sure to share them with conference organizers.

Image courtesy of Petr Kratochvil http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/view-image.php?image=3421&picture=apples-and-pears

And last but not least, Food: You might have to contact the conference organizers for this information, but it’s worth asking about the menu ahead of time. If you have dietary restrictions or just want to make sure that some healthy selections are available, it’s worth the added effort to ensure that your needs are known ahead of time. You also have the option of doing a bit of shopping when you get settled in and stocking your hotel room refrigerator (make sure one is available in your room when you book your reservation) with fruit, yogurt, water, etc. so you can avoid the breakfast buffets that offer all those yummy bagels, pastries, muffins, and such. Will there be adequate chocolate selection at breaks? Just sayin’.

Unlocked Secret: Do your research, guys. There are enough choices for quality conferences around the country and your educational dollars are valuable, so make them count and get the most of your experience.

I hope to see you all at the RWA National convention in Atlanta this summer. It’s shaping up to be a fabulous time!

Any other tips for our readers to help them find a quality conference? What has been your favorite conference experience? Any funny experiences you’d like to share from the “trenches”?

Let Your Geek Flag Fly

Hi, all. Suze here, wishing you a lovely day.

This past weekend, Mr. Suze and I attended a two-day event in New Hampshire. Our son, the Crown Prince of Hardydom, is a member of his school’s FIRST Robotics team and this was his first competition. FIRST is an organization founded by Dean Kamen (inventor of the Segway as well as numerous medical devices–and he’s also king of his own island nation, the Kingdom of North Dumpling). Teams from across the country work with local mentors on a predetermined challenge: build a robot to accomplish specific tasks. This year the robot needs to be able to shoot disks (frisbees) into a goal as well as climb a pyramid in order to score points. Click here to see the robots in action.

As I watched the competition from the stands, I couldn’t help noticing that there were a lot of, well, geeks in that arena. Proud geeks. Intelligent geeks. Geeks wearing capes and tights and labcoats and team tee shirts–working hard and having a heck of a lot of fun. And it got me thinking. We each have our own particular brand of geekness, don’t we?

Me, I’m a history nerd. If it happened a couple thousand years ago and we’re digging it up now, I’m hooked. Add an element of DNA or skeletal analysis and associated artifacts, and you can forget about dinner and clean clothes, because I’ll be parked in front of the computer or television screen sucking up factoids. I’m also fascinated by stuff like ancient languages and their relationship to modern tongues, and what they tell us about our ancestors’ migration/settlement patterns. I’m that girl who rubbernecks, nearly causing accidents, every time she drives past a house with one of those signs nailed to the front telling who built the place and in what year. If I miss it, sometimes I’ll turn around and go back and look. Later, I may Google the name and date to see if there’s any more information available. If I possibly can, I stop to read historical markers on the side of the road. I was captain of my school’s history bowl (trivia) team–2-time New York State champions!

So I totally get what these robot-building kids are about. And I applaud them!

Say it loud. I’m a nerd and I’m proud.

What about you? Are you ready to let your geek flag fly here at the Scribes? I’d love to hear what geeky interest keeps you away from your chores–Cryptozoology? Comics/graphic novels? Computers and technology? Experimental horticulture? Eighteenth century poetry written by nuns? Free yourself and admit it here! Inquiring Scribes want to know.

So What’s Your Story? by Katy Lee

You have one, you know. A story. We all do. But so few are willing to share, or if you’re anything like me, maybe you have to learn how to “tell” your story.

I’ll be the first to admit that telling my story can end up sounding like a broken record. I find myself repeating the same sentence to people twice—or more, because I’m not sure of what to say or how to get from Point A to Point B.

Speaking is so much harder than writing for me, where I can take all the time in the world to choose my words carefully and perfect their impact through rewrites. Or in other words, practice. But as my daughter says, not just practice. Perfect practice. (You have to know what you’re doing, so you’re not practicing it wrong. Unlearning something is harder than learning the correct way from the beginning. And it saves you a lot of time.)

So let me give you the formula so you can get started practicing your story the right way the first time. It you’re a writer then it’s really nothing you haven’t heard before. In fact, the formula for telling a story follows the same rules you would follow when writing a story.

•What’s the conflict?

•Who’s the hero?

•Where is the suspense?

•How will the conflict resolve?

•What’s the point?

•Why does it matter to me?

Just think of how people would hang on your every word if you introduced your story in this format instead of stuttering your way through, or as in my case, repeating whole sentences. If it doesn’t look as though you have a point to make because you’ve been droning on for 20 minutes with no point in sight, then you’ve lost your listener.

And that could be bad.

Perhaps you are on a job interview and you’re asked to describe a past experience and how you handled it. If you know your formula for telling a good story, you just might get that job. Especially if you can convey that all seemed lost before you saved the day.

Regardless of who you are speaking with, people want to know how your life experiences have shaped you. They want to know if they can relate to you and are looking for areas to try to connect. Plus, you never know where telling your story can help another person deal with something similar going on in their life. Not getting your story out well could mean a lost opportunity to help another person.

Holding back your story could also mean hindering healing in your own life.

The Unlocked Secret: Telling your story helps you make sense of your life — why certain events happened the way they did. You can examine what has happened to and through you. It will help you make sense of who you are and can lead to a greater confidence and understanding of self.

So take the time to learn your story. Be ready to share for when someone asks you, “So what’s your story?”

Question: Can you tell your story in three sentences or less? Practice it, and feel free to share. I really want to hear it. Really I do.

Amazing Opportunity: Women of Faith holds a writing contest every year. They want to know your story. The winner gets a publishing contract. Check it out here.

And thank you for your TWEETS and Shares!

The Way We Were

Thea Devine here, basking in the glow from having attended my 50th high school reunion. Honestly, I never thought I’d want to go to any reunion. Had second thoughts about that for my 25th, but I was a week too late. So I made certain people knew where to find me for this momentous year.

50 years since high school. FIFTY YEARS!!! OMG!! That’s surreal. Can’t possibly be true. It feels like I just graduated. I’m still seventeen — aren’t I? In my heart, soul, and day-to-day life I am. High school is just that close to the grain of who I was, who I became

But thinking about attending the reunion was kind of scary. How would it all break out? Would there still be the same cliques, the same alliances, the same feelings, even? Would I still feel like I was at the prom without a date?

In the end, none of that happened. It turned out to be a lovely event. One classmate (male) called it “endearing.” It seemed as if my classmates picked up the conversation as if it were yesterday. There wasn’t a missed beat, once everyone identified themselves. And husbands and wives who’d attended were folded in like they were old friends. The conversation never ended; it just shifted from group to group as we performed a “let’s catch up” do-si-do.

You probably know how this all goes. Football game, cocktail party, talk talk talk; tour of the high school (greatly expanded since our day to the point where, given all the arts and music studios and shop choices, we all felt we wanted to go back ); lunch in the cafeteria (not greatly changed); a visit with two former teachers, now in their eighties; a disorienting tour of the town, wholly changed from when we lived there; cocktail party #2 and a banquet, and more talk talk talk.

We received a Then and Now memory book with contact info and self-written biographies, and a mug commemorating the reunion packed with a bar of goats’ milk soap made by a classmate. Pretty neat.

I wanted everyone to come home with me. I loved seeing them all, I connected with several old friends and I hope we keep in touch. A weekend seemed like too little time to bridge 50 years. I wished it had been a week. There was such a nice sense of cohesion and a recognition that we do have a shared history, and that neither time nor distance can take that away, whenever or wherever we might meet again.

You might wonder if I was even thinking novelistically about childhood, secrets, mean girl alliances, hot and heavy romances, vicious hates, undying teen loves, and long simmering vengeance.

I told people I was. I mean, really, why else was I there?

What do you think?

Have you gone to a class reunion? What did you think? Was it “endearing” or was it “enduring”? Did you connect with or disconnect from former classmates? Would you go to another (I would)?

Thea Devine is the author whose books defined erotic historical romance. She’s the author of 25 historical and contemporary erotic romances, including THE DARKEST HEART and the upcoming BEYOND THE NIGHT. The reissue of her erotic contemporary romance, HIS LITTLE BLACK BOOK, is available now.

You Write Romance Novels?

If you followed Jodi Picoult or Jennifer Wenier on Twitter this week you probably saw Jeffrey Eugenides name mentioned a lot. Mr. Eugenides is a Professor of creative writing at Princeton and the author of the Virgin Suicides and the The Marriage Plot.(Which I’m pretty sure is the name of a historical romance novel too.) He’s also the man who inadvertently started a lot of debates between writers by saying, “I didn’t really know why Jodi Picoult is complaining. She’s a huge best-seller and everyone reads her books, and she doesn’t seem starved for attention, in my mind — so I was surprised that she would be the one belly-aching.”

What’s he talking about? Literary vs. Commercial fiction. One is praised by critics the other is adored by fans. Jennifer Weiner and Jodi Picoult are both NYT best-selling authors who have sold millions of books. That’s an achievement many writers would sell their mothers for a chance to receive but these two authors aren’t entirely happy. Their complaint is that they don’t get reviewed  in the New York Times or the same amount of serious coverage as some of their male counter parts.

Do they have a point? I’m sure they do. They may not get the serious street cred they deserve but what about us romance writers? We’re even lower on the literary totem pole. Snobby types would say we aren’t real writers at all because we write about love and happily ever afters.  That we aren’t artists. But we spend just as long agonizing over our books. We put just as much love and blood and sweat and tears into them as literary writers. Our writing is our life. And yet so many dismiss us because…  Why? I haven’t figured out the reason yet.

I’ve read literary books. I read classics and all the great works people say you must read before you die and the best book I’ve ever read was still a romance novel.  I’m probably not the only one who has had that experience. According to the 2011 ROMStat Report romance sales increased to $1.368 billion last year. And that’s with a struggling economy. In fact it remains the largest share of the consumer market at 14.3 percent.

I never expect to be reviewed by the Times. I don’t expect to be any one’s next book club selection but I refused to feel slighted or be embarassed because I write books that make people happy.

Romance novels sell. It’s a simple as that. And to all the haters who rather be caught dead than to be seen with one of our books in your hands… We’ll see you on the best- seller list.

The Russian Coat

The Russian coat is packed a plastic bag, still on the floor of my office because I have no idea what to do with it.  For one thing, it has a history.  Back in my older son’s senior year of high school, the class, in conjunction with a course in Russian literature, travelled to Russia during spring break.  My son left wearing a blue ski jacket when he boarded the plane.  When he arrived back at the airport a week later, he had this thick woolen brass buttoned military coat: the Russian coat.

That coat went with him to university in Chicago, it and he enduring four years of minus zero degree winter weather (and how glad I was he had it) and then it came back home and into the hands of my younger son who wore it for the last two years of high school and beyond.  At that point, my older son was working overseas, we were on the cusp of moving to CT, and as we were cleaning things out, I thought maybe it was time to donate the Russian coat.

My eldest was adamant that we shouldn’t. The Russian coat had a story, it was his story, his history;  it  was part of his growing up. We had strict orders not to donate the Russian coat.  By that time, it was in pretty bad shape:  it needed a really good going over, repair, and a major cleaning.  Was it worth all that if it was just going to be packed away and nobody was planning to wear it ever again?

As I’ve written previously, my mother was born in Russia; my grandparents emigrated here in the 1930’s so I’m not without some sentiment on this matter.  I feel that pull to keep some connection to a history that’s in my blood if not in my consciousness.

But maybe there’s a different story about the Russian coat that I, the granddaughter and daughter of those immigrants and romance author, have yet to excavate from its tattered remains. I mean, this could be my Doctor Zhivago moment if I’m ever bold enough to grab it.

Until I’m certain of it, though, I’m feeling, fatalistically, that the Russian coat just might be with us forever.  So it sits, a victim of inertia, bundled up, on the floor of my office and I nudge it every once and while, and wonder what to do with it. I try to imagine that moment my son actually came into possession of it, and wonder whether actually having the object is necessary if you’ll always have the memory.  I wonder if this is how we all get stuck with the objects of our memories that we just can’t bear to relinquish.  And if the reason we hold onto objects is to hold on to our history in order to assure that our children and grandchildren know and remember that we were here.

How many things have tethered you because of memories?  Are they inspiration or clutter? Are you someone who can easily let go of objects?  Or do you hold onto things forever?  Is your house as cluttered as mine? What would you have done with the Russian coat?

Thea Devine is nearly finished with Beyond The Night, the sequel to The Darkest Heart, to be released April 2013.  She’s pleased to announce the reissue of His Little Black Book in October.

Cut the Drama!

Katy Lee here, reflecting on my two week car ride with two preteen girls in the backseat. (And one little brother to instigate) Perhaps some of you can relate with all the drama I witnessed with no hope for an escape. I’ve heard parents say it is normal for cute, compliant children to morph into something that needs an exorcism, but I always thought it wouldn’t happen to me. Ha-Ha, the laughs on me, I guess. My standard line shouted over my shoulder the whole trip was, “Cut the drama!”

 

Whining, bawling, and caterwauling, oh my! And let’s not forget their talented eye roll.  Such skill to be proud of, for sure. I’m told this is normal and should pass in about twenty years. Ugh!

But in the meantime, it is all fodder for the writer in me. I am observing and documenting each snit and pule, each “end-of-the-world” lamentation to use in my writing. (In my defense I’ve warned them that is where they will end up.) And by the end of week one, I had a whole story idea plotted where things don’t go well for them.

But my question to you is this: Do you mind drama queens as main characters in your stories?

I’ve read my fair share of books where the heroines were the whiniest and most spoiled of brats, and I hated them…and not the good kind of hate where you love to hate the characters, but the kind of hate that turns you off from ever picking up a book by that writer again.

But then I’ve read stories where the annoying character redeems themselves through believable endearing acts or their behavior is explained as the story unfolds, and the reader can become sympathetic to their plight instead. It’s a fine line a writer must draw out carefully…and my daughters could definitely learn from. Just saying.

The Unlocked Secret: If a glimmer of hope for redemption is alluded to early enough in the story, I think the reader probably won’t drop the book. They will probably read on to see how their heart can be turned around in favor of the character. Most readers want to like the main characters, but as with my daughters, there’s only so much drama a person can take before they drop the book-or crank up the volume-to cut the drama out completely. Thank God I see that glimmer of hope in my girls. I guess I’ll keep them and see how it all turns out.

Question: So, do you mind drama queens as your main characters? Do you enjoy writing them? What are your tips for endearing an unlikable character to your readers?

12 Hours in the Life of a Stay-At-Home Mom

Hidey Ho Scribblers – J Monkeys here.  So way back in June when school ended, I was having a drink with some mommy friends.  Several of them offered up this sentiment: “Oh, I just love the summer, having my kids home and being able to spend time with them.” 

Hmmm, I did not agree – I was dreading summer (not like going to the dentist, but more like needing to make a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles) – and I immediately felt guilty and like a failure as a mother.  What is wrong with me?  Why don’t I like spending 24 hours a day, for 75 consecutive days with my children?  I must be a terrible parent!  For those who don’t know, I have a whiny 7-year-old Niecey-Poo and 4.5 year old twin boys, Generally Good Child and Mr. Pissy Pants.

But wait, I absolutely LOVE my children.  I would happily die to save them from a zombie apocalypse or some other more mundane tragedy.   What is wrong with me? 

Well, here we are 72 days in and I thought I’d share the last 12 hours with you.   I hope you enjoy it more than I did…and honestly, it wasn’t a bad day.

• 6:30 this morning – I awoke and began work before I even got out of bed – the children were up and ready for a snack and a movie.  I made hubby’s lunch, made my bed, fed the cat, bathed and dressed Mr. Pissy Pants, let the dog out and cooked breakfast. 
• 7:45 – I showered and checked my email – deleting a bunch of things that I wasn’t going to read anyway.
• 8:00 – I parked the children at the dining room table and fed them breakfast amid many complaints about the nature of the pastry I had prepared for them.  Mmmmm – butter braid from Niecey-Poo’s school fundraiser last year.  I negotiated a battle over vitamins and Poop Juice (Juice to make the boys poop, not poop flavored.  Ewww.  We’ve been potty training FOREVER! and Mr. Pissy Pants refuses to have his BMs without the fiber powder in his juice.  TMI?)  I dressed one kid, put shoes on two.
• 8:25 – Fiber’s working!  Mr. No BM  (aka Mr. Pissy Pants) has missed the commode again.  He needs another shower and a second set of clothes.
• 8:30 – I head upstairs to inspect the damage to Mr. Pissy Pants’ bed.  Even wearing a overnight pull up, he’s somehow managed to pee through not one but 2 rubber sheets and onto his mattress – again!  Thank God for Nature’s Miracle.  Make note to move “New Mattress” up the As-Soon-As-There’s-Extra-$ list.  I decided to clean the boy’s room and give them back some toys.  We had removed all toys a couple of months ago after a regular barrage of trains, cars, potato heads and more trains were being flung at the windows.  I vacuumed the room, organized the sleepy-buddies, issued 11 instructions to “Go outside and play!” kissed 2 boo-boos, agreed with a 7-year old tantrum of “You’re SO mean!  I’m not your friend any more!” and finally offered one stern admonishment to sing more quietly to not wake the neighbors.
• 9:25 – put in the second load of laundry for the day, folded yesterday’s laundry, fed the kids a snack, sent them back out to play 8 times ,and told them to close the back door 13 times.  It took 55 minutes for me to watch a 40 minute TV show on DVD.
• 10:30 – I swear to God, one of the children complained, “There’s a fly in the house – where’s the fly swabber?”  Really?  A fly?  How did that get in?  Could it be a result of the now 19 times you didn’t close the back door?!  And yes, some people have fly swatters; we have a fly swabber.  Then there was an incident resulting in Generally Good Child sobbing that Niecy-Poo wasn’t his best friend any more.  Nicey-Poo pitched a fit because I wouldn’t abandon the dishes I was washing to find 1990′s Beany Baby names hidden in a word search.  And I had a 10 minute “conversation” where Mr. Pissy Pants said, “I want a snack.” I replied, “We have to go to the grocery store.” Mr. Pissy Pants countered with, “I don’t want to go to the grocery store.  I want a snack.”  We went around and around.
• 11:00 – fed snack #2 to them.  I wrote a menu for next week (the only writing I’ve gotten done lately, by the way!) and drafted a grocery list.
• 11:45 – amid demands to play with the newly resurrected trains, I left the twins home with their Aunt and took Niecey-Poo off to run errands, including a trip to the grocery store.
• 12:30 – Abandoned errands to return home.  Mr. I-BM-In-My-Pants had struck again, twice, and Auntie was done.  I cleaned up the $hit storm, gave him his 3rd shower of the day and his 3rd set of clothing as well.  I never did get to the grocery store.  Sat with them as they ate the wholly unhealthy lunch that Auntie made with nary a complaint among them.  Brats.
  
• 1:00 – I sent them to play with trains and escaped to fetch Mommy’s Little Helper from Dairy Queen.  It’s an addiction I’m trying to quit, but really, if a bowl of ice cream helps me get through the day…maybe it’s best to have the ice cream.  When the kids can’t see me, of course. 
• 2:00 – we played in the pool for a while and then they watched The Lorax while I hung out on my computer for a bit.  My husband slays zombies on his PC for stress relief, I settle people into a nice B&B.
• 4:30 – I made dinner which none of the children were willing to eat, even when Hubby got home from work at 5:15.
• 6:00 – we went to the playground until…
• 7:00 – it was time for bed.  Finally!  The boys are asleep and now at 9:26, I’m done with my blog post (nearly) and I need to check on Niecey-Poo to see if she’s catching Z’s yet. It’s now 9:37, and she’s sitting here next to me wondering why I won’t write her actual name…sigh.  Go the ____ to Sleep!  (links to the awesome book read by Samuel Jackson – completely inappropriate for children.
  

So, maybe it’s my kids’ ages, maybe it’s the fact that we’ve been potty training for a very long 14 months and though we’re closing in on it, there’s still a bit to go.  Generally Good Child has this down and Mr. Pissy Pant’s doctor has given me some things to try, including a modification to the poop juice formula, and an increase in the consumption of fruits that start with the letter P.  Pears, peaches, plums.  Maybe my frustrations have something to do with the fact that as a writer, I’d like to spend several hours at a time in my head interacting with the character’s there, but I haven’t even been to visit lately.

Today’s Secret: Whatever the reason for my dread about my previously favorite season, I don’t think the problem is that I’m a bad mother.  And look, I got a blog post out of it. 

Today’s Question: What do you do with 1800 consecutive hours with your children?

Pumpkin’s Progress — 2012

Hey, all, Suze here. It’s giant-pumpkin-growing time at the Hardy backyard garden this year, so I thought I’d rerun this post from last summer. This year’s giant pumpkins are growing, but are still unnamed and unphotographed, I’m sorry to say! Stay tuned

Let me tell you an interesting factoid about my family.  We grow giant pumpkins.  Actually, it’s my husband and son who grow the giant pumpkins.  My participation is pretty much limited to not complaining because 50% of my back yard is covered in pumpkin vines (we live in the burbs — not on a farm!).  Last year (edited to add: that was 2010) they grew a 450 pounder, which took first place at our local fair.  It crushed all the competition in the “King of the Pumpkin Patch” competition, easily dwarfing the other pathetic gourds (sorry, 4H kids!) and garnering the top prize of fifty bucks.

“Captain America,” giant pumpkin in progress

Now, it’s not easy to grow a pumpkin of that size (even though 450 pounds is just a baby in the “real” world of giant pumpkinism.  I think the record is 1800 pounds or so).  It takes a lot of TLC, secret organic fertilizers, mystic plant-sex fertilization rituals, ruthless cutting of inferior pumpkins to allow the ones with the greatest size potential to grow, and a special tent during the day so the skin does not sunburn, followed by the application of a blanket on cool nights so the behemoth stays snuggly and the skin doesn’t split due to temperature differentials.  Normally, we have several pretty big pumpkins going, just in case we lose one.

This year, though (edited: that was 2011), mostly due to weather factors, we had only two large pumpkins set.  And we just lost one (The Hulk) to a disgusting mold (white, not green).  But Captain America, our great hope for the fair, is doing well.  He has only been growing for a month, and probably weighs about 200 pounds or so right now.  Please, if everyone could just send out some positive energy to Captain America, who needs to continue growing until mid-September, I’d appreciate it.

It’s kind of a scary feeling to have all your hopes riding on one thing –  all your eggs in one basket or all your seeds in one pumpkin, as it were,  What if something goes wrong?  What if my first novel, the one I tended so lovingly, not only doesn’t become an instant, Twilight-like best seller, but doesn’t sell at all?  What if it turns out I don’t have a talent for writing romance,  but my writer’s voice is better suited to mystery or steampunk? Will I throw in the towel because my first plan, the one I thought was going to work perfectly, didn’t succeed the way I wanted it to?

Nope.  I’ve got other ideas, other plans.  I’m not giving up, and I hope you won’t either.  One of the great things about being a writer is that there’s always a do-over.  There’s always next year’s fair.

Update: As for 2012′s pumpkins, well, they’re looking pretty good! We’ve got one weighing in around 200 pounds right now, and we have a month to go before the fair. Keep sending “grow” thoughts to our gourds, please!

Tell us — have you had to start over or reinvent yourself or your work?