Mother May I…

My mother, grandmother and my niece.

I originally posted this back in December of 2011. But I think it’s much more fitting now. Happy Mother’s Day, Ma!

My mother wants me to have a baby. Am I married? No. But that seems to be a minor detail at this point. I think she would be totally fine if I stole a baby from the hospital as long as she had something cute to spoil. We fight about this at least once a month.

“I want to have grandchildren. From you,” she says as she pokes me in the belly. ”When are you going to start thinking about it?”

“I don’t want children right now. I’m only twenty-six. I haven’t even been to Europe yet!”

“You’ve got it wrong. It’s only eighteen. It’s not only twenty-six. You’re getting old.”

Then my brother chimes in. “You know she’s never going to have a baby, mom. She’s too mean.”

Another one says, “I’ll give you lots of grandkids, ma. When do you want me to start?”

We all look at him in horror, knowing that he should not procreate anytime soon.

“But seriously, Jamie. What about that guy you were dating? He had a good job and you two would make such cute fat babies.”

“But, he was an arrogant jerk and he was weirdly close to his mother.”

She shrugs and says, “That’s small potatoes. We need to think of the big picture here.”

My mother is clearly insane.

She cusses like a truck driver, is thinner than me and always takes every opportunity to embarrass me by dancing in public but I love her. And one day I plan to capture of her crazy awesomeness in writing.

I like writing about mothers and will often model my fictional ones after real people in my life. (Thank goodness I don’t know too many normal people.) I feel like moms are some of the hardest characters to develop because just like in real life their personality shapes the way their children behave and the choices they make.

So here are a few of my favorite fictional mothers.

1. Claire Huxtable… She was a lawyer. She had five children, dealt with her wacky husband and kept that brownstone in Brooklyn spotless. She was like wonder woman or wonder mother.

2. Roseanne… Her house was a little more realistic. She was loud and brash and working class. But mostly importantly she was funny and I have to respect that.

3.  Joan Crawford… Okay, so she was a real person. But that movie Mommie Dearest made her seem other worldly and till this day I screech, “No wire hangers,” whenever I see one.

4. Amy Duncan… This dancing, singing, scene stealing Disney Channel mother cracks me up. She reminds me of my own mother. Amy never takes a backseat to her husband and I love that.

5. Colleen Donaghy (30 Rock) … She demanding, slightly evil, mean and I love her.

As for books I really like Posey’s mother, in Kristan Higgins Until There Was You. Who wouldn’t like a fluffy German mother who tried to fatten you up with comforting food. Sophie from Sophie’s Choice ( it was a book before it was a movie). Could you imagine making that choice?  And Cealie from The Color Purple. She put up with a lot of crap but still came out on top in the end.

Your turn! Like your mother? Hate her?  What’s she like? Got a favorite fictional mother? Tell us about her. Any and all comments are welcome.

 

Topped Chef–Interview with Author Lucy Burdette

 

Hey, everyone, Suze here. This week I’m thrilled that mystery author Lucy Burdette is back to chat with us. I’m even more that she has a new book coming out in just a few days. Topped Chef, Book 3 in the wonderful Key West Food Critic series, releases on May 7. Here’s what Lucy has to say:

Tell us a little about yourself.

I’m a clinical psychologist and the author of eleven mysteries (eight of them written as Roberta Isleib.) I love to eat, talk, and write food, and I spend part of the year in Key West. Throw in a couple of cats, and all that combines very nicely in the Key West food critic mystery series.

Tell us about your latest book, Topped Chef.

Topped Chef is the third book in the Key West series–which I am having an absolute ball writing! In this installment, Key Zest food critic Hayley Snow is tapped as a judge on a reality TV  cooking show. But when another judge turns up murdered, she must figure  out who’s taking the contest too seriously before she becomes the next  victim.

If you were casting a movie, who would play the characters in your Key West Food Critic series?

I am dreadful at casting movies and if this dream of one of my books becoming a film ever comes true, I will leave the details to the professionals. That said, I would love to cast Amy Adams as Hayley, and Meryl Streep as her mother! There is a drag queen character in this book too–for that I would suggest using the actual person, Randy Thompson. He’s a fabulous performer!

How do you market your books? Do you have any marketing advice for our readers?

Oh sigh, this is so hard because you can get sucked into the vortex of marketing and forget to write. I use Facebook (www.facebook.com/lucyburdette), Twitter in a half-hearted way (www.twitter.com/lucyburdette), Pinterest for generating book ideas and collecting food photos (www.pinterest.com/robertaisleib), and I blog with two wonderful groups of writers, Mystery Lovers Kitchen (www.mysteryloverskitchen.com) and Jungle Red Writers (www.jungleredwriters.com). When I’m approaching a book launch, I do as many guest posts as I can to spread the word. I try pitching magazines and radio shows. And since there is nothing better than talking with real readers in person, I schedule appearances at book stores, libraries, and conferences. And I also have a website: www.lucyburdette.com

Do you see what I mean about that vortex??

My advice is to pick a few of the many promotional options–the ones that suit your personality–and ignore the rest. And start early. And have fun at it! And try to give something to the readers–they won’t come back if your posts and updates are all about you and your newest release.

Are you a plotter or a pantser?

I’m a little of both. I have to turn in a synopsis to my editor at NAL as part of my contract. But it usually turns out that when I begin writing, the book takes all kinds of U-turns in unexpected directions–which can be exhilarating, but also scary. In the book I’m writing now (or should be), the plot is kicking my butt.

How long does it take you to turn out a draft of a book? Is it an easy–or agonizing–process?

For this series, I have about nine months in between books. The first draft is always agonizing. While rewrites to me are fun!

What made you want to write cozy mysteries? Who are some of your favorite authors?

I’ve always read mysteries and I don’t like gore and violence so this genre is a natural for me. My first culinary mystery idol was Diane Mott Davidson. You might be able to imagine how thrilled I was to land a blurb from her about AN APPETITE FOR MURDER: “What fun! Lucy Burdette writes evocatively about Key West and food–a winning combination. I can’t wait for the next entry in this charming series.” DMD  Wow!

When you’re not writing, what’s your favorite way to spend your time?

I’m a huge reader, of women’s fiction as well as mysteries. I enjoy cooking, my pets, spending time with my family, and enough exercise to overcome the effects of all that good food.

How do you battle the Doubt Monster? We define the Doubt Monster as: the nagging feeling that your prose is terrible, your plot is silly, your characters are insipid, and no one in her right mind would read this drivel, let alone buy it.

My best advice on that came from my writing pal Hallie Ephron: Hold your nose and write. You can’t fix something that isn’t written! And I love my writer friends who understand how hard this work is–they are always available with a crying towel if needed…

What’s next for you? What are you working on now?

I’m in the middle of MURDER WITH GANACHE, the fourth Key West food critic mystery, which will be out in February 2014. The deadline is barreling down upon me! thanks so much for inviting me to visit! And best of luck with your writing Suze !

Thanks, Lucy! Lucy’s on her way to Malice Domestic today, but she’ll pop in from time to time and answer your questions.

Just Say It, Already!

Welcome to the 7 Scribes and a happy Friday to you! Casey here.

One of my favorite parts of writing is dialogue. Well written dialogue between characters can inform, entertain, anger, laugh or even make you cry. For me, when I begin a story and even while writing it, I can hear the characters talking in my head. They always begin as a voice, long before I have any idea what they look like!

As a reader, I am drawn to dialogue. If I see pages and pages of words with no one speaking to anyone else, chances are the book is getting tossed in the corner.That doesn’t mean I want to read pages of endless conversations. Like everything in life, there must be balance.

So I am offering my tips for writing dialogue.

Do:

~ Use humor! But only if you’re funny (and it’s appropriate for the scene). Not sure what I mean? Pick up a book by an author who makes you laugh and study how they do it. Authors who do this well: Kristan Higgins, Julia Quinn and Jim Butcher.

~ Be clear about which character is speaking. And take the opportunity to show action when appropriate.

~ Let your character’s personality shine through their speech patterns. If all your characters sound like the same person, you have a problem.

~ Remember that men and women see the world differently. And that women do tend to be more verbal!

~ Use dialogue instead of long descriptive passages. During editing, I always ask myself if a scene would work better as dialogue between my characters rather than relying on deep point of view.

~ Keep in mind that dialogue is an opportunity to allow characters to interact, to show conflict, to be sexy, act dastardly or to showcase a myriad of other emotions and behaviors.

~ Be crisp and concise. Like all writing, omit needless words.

Don’t:

~ Don’t use dialogue to info dump on your reader! They know it and will skip over it. In my house, we call this shameless exposition. Television shows do this all the time. Some do it better than others. If you watch anime (Japanese animation), the characters break out into long-winded monologues at the weirdest times. Like in the middle of a battle, characters recap the plot line from the episode before. Or in police procedurals where two cops will exchange “information” through dialogue. This can work in television but on the printed page, not so much. Remember, this is where showing comes into play. Using dialogue to tell is still telling!

~ Don’t waste dialogue in banal exchanges. For example, the play by play:

“How was your day? Could you hand me the salt?”

“Good, until I had to spend two hours sitting in traffic. How was yours?”

“Awful. My boss hates me. Everyone is getting a raise except for me. Please pass the potatoes.”

This is about as much fun as watching paint dry. Nothing is happening here. Sure, it’s like a real life dinner conversation but when you’re writing fiction, you need to use conversations to move the plot along, not lull your reader into a verbal coma.

~ Don’t leave off dialogue tags. Establish who is speaking right up front. Then you can drop the “he said, she said.” But not for too long, otherwise the reader will lose track of who is speaking and you will take them out of the story!

Let’s hear from you. Do you love or hate dialogue? And who do you think does it well?

Awkward Party of One

My name and graceful should never ever be put in the same sentence. In my head I’ve always wanted to be one of the sexy, stunning pin up girl types. One of those women who could lure a man from across a crowded room with just a lift of a perfectly arched eyebrow. You know the type, those women who could stop traffic just by walking out of building. I probably could stop traffic, but only by falling into the street.

Girl crush! Who I want to be in my head.

I’m clumsy. Terribly clumsy. And shy. I lack that flirting gene that so many women seem to be born with. I’m blunt, at times overly honest. You know that filter people seem to have? Mine’s malfunctions daily. I talk way too fast. Sometimes I don’t think before I speak. I can never manage to say the right thing at the right time.

I’m AWKWARD, though I do try to hide it, my lack of cool comes out at the most inconvenient  times.

I bought a brand new laptop not two weeks after opening it I dropped it then stepped on it.

I somehow got caught on a door at work and ripped my dress to shreds exposing my SPANX to the world.

Just the bottom of my broken laptop screen.

I walked into a parked car.
I always come home with random bruises on my hips and legs and arms, because I bang into desks and doors and walls. I have a knack for breaking my shoes when there isn’t a spare pair or a shoe store around for miles. (I’ve done this three times in the last two years.)

I used to lament my lack of grace. Hell, I still do. But I had a conversation the other day with somebody. I was talking about another writer that I know who is always kind and helpful and never has a bad thing to say about anybody. I mentioned that I wanted to be more like her. But that person told me that I shouldn’t want that. That I’m snarky and snappy and have a wicked sense of humor and that those things made me me and that shaped the kind of writing that I do. My awkwardness is how I got my voice.

You know what voice is, right? That thing agents and editors always say they are looking for when they are looking for the next big thing. Voice is that style, that attitude that tells the world who you are through your words.

So what’s my message in all of this? Embrace your awkwardness. It’s okay to snort when you laugh or trip over your feet. It’s okay to be goofy. Your individual-ness  can help to make your dreams come true.

So share with me. I want to hear about some of your awkward moments. Any and all comments are welcome.

Lemons to Lemonade

Hiddey-Ho Scribblers!  J Monkeys here.  Happy Saturday.  Are you a glass-half-full person or a perpetual pessimist?  Me, I like to find the silver lining whenever possible.  Example: we here in northern CT have not had much snow in the recent past.  Winter ’11 was brutal, but ’12 was The Year Without Winter (especially since the worst storm last year happened before Halloween!) and so far ’13 is shaping up to be pretty low in the snow-fall-total category, too.

In fact, the only snow storms we’ve had have resulted in wicked wet snow.  Like Slurpee wet.  Now for those of you not from snow-country, there are three basic kinds of snow around here: dry powdery stuff – excellent for shoveling because even a foot of it weighs nothing and pretty good for sledding, snowman-makin’ snow – wet enough to form a ball, but not too wet, and Slurpee-snow (named for the delicious drink available at 7-Eleven stores nationwide) which is so wet that even two inches weighs a ton-per shovelful and nearly impossible to play in.

My Twin Princes are young enough that they really didn’t get to play in the great snows of ’11, so when we’ve had snow this season, they have rightfully wanted to frolic in it.  I mean, what’s the point of living in New England if you aren’t going to enjoy the great outdoors?  In a rare moment of brilliance, I have devised the perfect outdoor game for Slurpee-snow days.

I bought a few cheap condiment squeezy bottles (I suppose I could have been really good and recycled a few actual condiment bottles) filled them with water and a couple of drops of food coloring, and sent the kids out to “paint” in the snow.  This resulted in nearly an hour of play.  Yes, I had to refill the bottles every few minutes and one bottle seems to be lost in the icy wonder that is my back yard, but so what?  The kids had fun and I got to get a little housework done while watching out the kitchen window.

“Wow, brilliant idea, J.  Thanks very much for sharing your incredible inspiration.  But what on earth does that have to do with writing?” you say…Funny you should ask.  Is your writing sucking lemons these days?  If it is, then turn that frown upside down.  Channel your inner optimist.

You’re a creative person (you must be or you wouldn’t be a writer!) think of a way to turn those lemons into lemonade.  Are you having trouble with your plot?  Get a couple of your writer-friends together with a bottle of wine (chocolate fondue would probably work too) and talk through your plot.  I’m sure your friends will be more than happy to give you ideas on how to fix it.  Are you struggling to put your butt in the chair and get the work done?  Find a community of folks with the same problem and challenge each other with word sprints or an online write-in.  Is editing weighing you down?  Find a partner with the same problem and trade papers like we did in 2nd grade. 

Today’s Secret: Take some time to identify your lemon.  It might not be immediately obvious.  Once you’ve found it, squeeze the pulp out of it and made yourself a nice, cool glass of lemonade!

Today’s Question: What’s your favorite summer drink?  I’m thinking about a strawberry daiquiri in my hand while sitting on a beach under an umbrella.  Preferably with some manner of pool-boy nearby to fetch my next cocktail.  It was a whopping 25 degrees out today.  Sigh…New England.  

Laughter: The Third Greatest Gift

Happy Friday everyone! Casey here.

Humor, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder.

Some of us enjoy our humor dry and witty. While others prefer slapstick, raunchy or down-right rude. Or maybe your mood dictates what you think is funny.

I think part of the reason I fell in love with urban fantasy is the genre embraces snark in a serious way. While some level of “funny” isn’t required in the books I enjoy, I always love it when an author gets me.

You know, that moment, when the laugh comes out of the blue. I don’t how other authors do it, but when I’m writing, humor sneaks up on me and comes from the characters (not me!!). And often times, I don’t realize I’ve written something “funny” until someone else points it out to me.

And what you find funny, someone else may not. Like wine, there are different vintages of funny. Personally, I fall into the witty, sarcastic camp. The snarkier the better. I enjoy authors like Bill Bryson (Tales of the Thunderbolt Kid: one boy, one sleeping uncle, a magnifying glass and mysterious burn spots). The book is a non-fiction memoir of his childhood and it’s hilarious.

My favorite urban fantasy authors are: Jim Butcher’s Harry Dresden, Simon Green (Eddie Drood or Nightside books) and you can never go wrong with Christopher Moore (A Dirty Job - love those sewer harpies!), Terry Pratchett (The Hogfather- the wackiest Christmas story ever) or A Lee Martinez (Gil’s All Fright Diner - who doesn’t love a roadside diner that’s constantly attacked by the undead?).

If UF isn’t your thing, check out Kristan Higgins (the shovel scene in Too Good To Be True still gives me the giggles), Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum Books or our soon to be published Scribe - Jamie Pope (aka Sugar Jamison).

How do these writers do it? Well, I can’t tell you how to be funny and I don’t know the magical spring where their talent comes from, but I can suggest some logical places to sprinkle humor into a story.

Narration -this kind of humor is often found in first person books, think Bridget Jones’ Diary or see the aforementioned urban fantasy authors or Ms. Kristan Higgins! Just having a window into the character’s thoughts can be funny. What they think about other characters - the annoying neighbor, the crazy aunt with lipstick on her teeth or how the character views herself -  are all areas to slip in the funny.

Situational – humor can be injected by using the circumstances in which characters find themselves. Think Stephanie Plum and all her captures gone wrong. Another popular choice is The Date From Hell, The Family Event from Hell (wedding, funeral, graduation) or the plan that goes horribly awry.

Banter - This is my personal favorite. Here, the heroine/hero engage in witty exhanges with other characters.I jones on characters verbally sparring in humorous ways. For example – The Princess Bride by William Goldman or A Dirty Job by Christopher Moore.

Note: these can be mixed and matched as needed.

One thing to keep in mind – forced humor is not funny. Readers can smell phony attempts from a mile it away. Don’t be lame! And, remember, the normal rules of storytelling apply – don’t add humor for the sake of it. If it doesn’t advance the plot or grow your character – axe it!

In case you’re wondering about the title of this blog post – check out The Muppets (2011 version) and enlightenment will find you!

What kind of humor do you enjoy? Favorite funny writer? Have a technique or advice to share?

Do Your Characters Snicker, Sniggle, or Snort?

Katy Lee here with a little tidbit about myself. Are you ready?

I love to laugh.

For me, there is no better stress reliever than a great big belly-laugh, especially in a moment where tension is running high.

Well, the same goes for my characters.

As a writer who puts her characters through some pretty high pressure situations, I want to carry over my love of laughter for them to break a little of their stress. (Even they need a breather sometimes.)

But I will admit writing laughing scenes is a big weakness for me. In fact, in my revision letter from my editor, she says my laughing scene is over the top and needs to go.

OUCH!

I’ll be honest, though, she is right. As writers, we know our weaknesses, and I know when the scene feels “off” or over the top, as my editor laid it out so poetically. Sometimes these scenes don’t mesh with the flow of the book, and in fact, bring the story to a jarring halt for the reader — and we don’t want that.

So, for this reason, I cut the scene and replaced it for the simpler tag line of just saying he/she laughed, which to me can sound boring. I tried to find better taglines to show the true emotion I was going for. Unfortunately, there aren’t enough description words to replace the word laugh.

Giggle? That just makes my heroine sound young and cutesy. Not always the persona I am aiming for.

Snort? I don’t mind doing this for my secondary characters, because it poses such a funny illustration, but I hesitate having my main character projecting this image.

Cackle? I suppose if there’s a character that is a little witchy, but again, not my main character.

Twitter? Sounds flaky to me.

And so, laugh it is. And that’s okay, because this is what I have learned through the process:

It’s more important that the reader laughs than to have your characters doubled over in hysterics.

The Unlocked Secret:  The tension release isn’t only for your characters in their stressful circumstances. The tension release is for your readers as they get pulled along in the story with your characters. A good comedian does not laugh at their own jokes. Their sketch is carefully created to build tension and emotion little by little. It’s all about timing the right words at the right place until the crystal clear visual evokes the emotion you are after, whatever that emotion may be.

Question: Do you have a favorite word to express laughter? Is there a book that has delivered the great stress relief of laughter to you?

Retreat Recap

Tuesday’s Scribe, PJ Sharon here. I had the great pleasure of joining several CTRWA members this past weekend at the lovely Guest House Retreat Center in Chester, CT. We’ve been planning this weekend retreat for months, and no one was more excited than me to get away and share some quality writing time with my pals. I thought you all might like to hear about the highlights.

After checking in at 3:00 on Friday afternoon, we were all treated to a wonderful dinner and dessert before settling in for an evening of critiquing. We divided up into small groups, and each had the opportunity to share the first five pages of our WIP. This was immensely helpful to me personally, as my fabulous critique partners, Jane Haertel and Tracy Costa, convinced me yet again, that my short story prequel to my trilogy, to be released as part of the WG2E October Anthology, called SOUL REDEMPTION, actually started in chapter two. (Read my previous post about “The story starts here.”) I’m not sure why I haven’t quite mastered the art of where to start a story, but they were absolutely right and it will now read so much better.

Saturday morning, I rousted eight of my fellow writer friends out of their beds to join me in a 6:00 a.m. yoga class. I’ve been teaching yoga for about seven years now, and I love sharing a gentle, restorative practice with newbies and experienced yogis alike. Relaxed, refreshed, and energized, we had a hearty breakfast and then spent the next few hours working on our individual WIP’s in the comfort and solitude of the many nooks scattered about the quaint old inn.

After lunch—and I have to say here, that the food was simply outstanding—we gathered for an interactive debate with authors Kevin Symmons and Arlene Kay, who shared their humorous and spirited take on setting vs.character. Then we had more alone time before supper, where most of us made another dent in our weekend word count. I was able to finish all of my edits for WANING MOON, and I heard from Melanie Meadors that she broke her record of 5,000 words in a weekend. WTG Melanie!

Saturday night after a tasty Salmon dinner and blueberry cobbler—seriously, did anyone else gain five pounds this weekend—we got together for a fun-filled evening of Plotting Playoffs with our hostess diva, Jamie Pope, aka. Sugar Jamison. Our illustrious Prez, Jennifer Fusco won the big honor of the night and was rewarded with the coveted tierra, boa, and pink girly gloves—not to mention the best writer on earth certificate.

I’d like to personally thank the brilliant Jane Haertel, aka Suze Hardy, for helping me plot out Book Two of my trilogy, WESTERN DESERT. It’s going to be awesome, but I may need another retreat in the spring!

Much wine was consumed, laughs were shared, and in my opinion, the best line of the weekend came from Jennifer Yakely, another CTRWA contracted and soon-to-be published author, who said, “Historical romances are all about balls and Duke screwing.” I love writers! Don’t you?

12 Hours in the Life of a Stay-At-Home Mom

Hidey Ho Scribblers – J Monkeys here.  So way back in June when school ended, I was having a drink with some mommy friends.  Several of them offered up this sentiment: “Oh, I just love the summer, having my kids home and being able to spend time with them.” 

Hmmm, I did not agree – I was dreading summer (not like going to the dentist, but more like needing to make a trip to the Department of Motor Vehicles) – and I immediately felt guilty and like a failure as a mother.  What is wrong with me?  Why don’t I like spending 24 hours a day, for 75 consecutive days with my children?  I must be a terrible parent!  For those who don’t know, I have a whiny 7-year-old Niecey-Poo and 4.5 year old twin boys, Generally Good Child and Mr. Pissy Pants.

But wait, I absolutely LOVE my children.  I would happily die to save them from a zombie apocalypse or some other more mundane tragedy.   What is wrong with me? 

Well, here we are 72 days in and I thought I’d share the last 12 hours with you.   I hope you enjoy it more than I did…and honestly, it wasn’t a bad day.

• 6:30 this morning – I awoke and began work before I even got out of bed – the children were up and ready for a snack and a movie.  I made hubby’s lunch, made my bed, fed the cat, bathed and dressed Mr. Pissy Pants, let the dog out and cooked breakfast. 
• 7:45 – I showered and checked my email – deleting a bunch of things that I wasn’t going to read anyway.
• 8:00 – I parked the children at the dining room table and fed them breakfast amid many complaints about the nature of the pastry I had prepared for them.  Mmmmm – butter braid from Niecey-Poo’s school fundraiser last year.  I negotiated a battle over vitamins and Poop Juice (Juice to make the boys poop, not poop flavored.  Ewww.  We’ve been potty training FOREVER! and Mr. Pissy Pants refuses to have his BMs without the fiber powder in his juice.  TMI?)  I dressed one kid, put shoes on two.
• 8:25 – Fiber’s working!  Mr. No BM  (aka Mr. Pissy Pants) has missed the commode again.  He needs another shower and a second set of clothes.
• 8:30 – I head upstairs to inspect the damage to Mr. Pissy Pants’ bed.  Even wearing a overnight pull up, he’s somehow managed to pee through not one but 2 rubber sheets and onto his mattress – again!  Thank God for Nature’s Miracle.  Make note to move “New Mattress” up the As-Soon-As-There’s-Extra-$ list.  I decided to clean the boy’s room and give them back some toys.  We had removed all toys a couple of months ago after a regular barrage of trains, cars, potato heads and more trains were being flung at the windows.  I vacuumed the room, organized the sleepy-buddies, issued 11 instructions to “Go outside and play!” kissed 2 boo-boos, agreed with a 7-year old tantrum of “You’re SO mean!  I’m not your friend any more!” and finally offered one stern admonishment to sing more quietly to not wake the neighbors.
• 9:25 – put in the second load of laundry for the day, folded yesterday’s laundry, fed the kids a snack, sent them back out to play 8 times ,and told them to close the back door 13 times.  It took 55 minutes for me to watch a 40 minute TV show on DVD.
• 10:30 – I swear to God, one of the children complained, “There’s a fly in the house – where’s the fly swabber?”  Really?  A fly?  How did that get in?  Could it be a result of the now 19 times you didn’t close the back door?!  And yes, some people have fly swatters; we have a fly swabber.  Then there was an incident resulting in Generally Good Child sobbing that Niecy-Poo wasn’t his best friend any more.  Nicey-Poo pitched a fit because I wouldn’t abandon the dishes I was washing to find 1990′s Beany Baby names hidden in a word search.  And I had a 10 minute “conversation” where Mr. Pissy Pants said, “I want a snack.” I replied, “We have to go to the grocery store.” Mr. Pissy Pants countered with, “I don’t want to go to the grocery store.  I want a snack.”  We went around and around.
• 11:00 – fed snack #2 to them.  I wrote a menu for next week (the only writing I’ve gotten done lately, by the way!) and drafted a grocery list.
• 11:45 – amid demands to play with the newly resurrected trains, I left the twins home with their Aunt and took Niecey-Poo off to run errands, including a trip to the grocery store.
• 12:30 – Abandoned errands to return home.  Mr. I-BM-In-My-Pants had struck again, twice, and Auntie was done.  I cleaned up the $hit storm, gave him his 3rd shower of the day and his 3rd set of clothing as well.  I never did get to the grocery store.  Sat with them as they ate the wholly unhealthy lunch that Auntie made with nary a complaint among them.  Brats.
  
• 1:00 – I sent them to play with trains and escaped to fetch Mommy’s Little Helper from Dairy Queen.  It’s an addiction I’m trying to quit, but really, if a bowl of ice cream helps me get through the day…maybe it’s best to have the ice cream.  When the kids can’t see me, of course. 
• 2:00 – we played in the pool for a while and then they watched The Lorax while I hung out on my computer for a bit.  My husband slays zombies on his PC for stress relief, I settle people into a nice B&B.
• 4:30 – I made dinner which none of the children were willing to eat, even when Hubby got home from work at 5:15.
• 6:00 – we went to the playground until…
• 7:00 – it was time for bed.  Finally!  The boys are asleep and now at 9:26, I’m done with my blog post (nearly) and I need to check on Niecey-Poo to see if she’s catching Z’s yet. It’s now 9:37, and she’s sitting here next to me wondering why I won’t write her actual name…sigh.  Go the ____ to Sleep!  (links to the awesome book read by Samuel Jackson – completely inappropriate for children.
  

So, maybe it’s my kids’ ages, maybe it’s the fact that we’ve been potty training for a very long 14 months and though we’re closing in on it, there’s still a bit to go.  Generally Good Child has this down and Mr. Pissy Pant’s doctor has given me some things to try, including a modification to the poop juice formula, and an increase in the consumption of fruits that start with the letter P.  Pears, peaches, plums.  Maybe my frustrations have something to do with the fact that as a writer, I’d like to spend several hours at a time in my head interacting with the character’s there, but I haven’t even been to visit lately.

Today’s Secret: Whatever the reason for my dread about my previously favorite season, I don’t think the problem is that I’m a bad mother.  And look, I got a blog post out of it. 

Today’s Question: What do you do with 1800 consecutive hours with your children?

Save the Liver! Happy Birthday, Julia Child!

Bon jour, my darlings! Suze here.

Yesterday was a special day. Julia Child would have turned 100 years old on August 15, 2012.

I said, “Dance!”

I grew up watching reruns of Julia on WGBY. Our small town in the boondocks didn’t have a lot of stations until later in my illustrious television-viewing career, so public television it was. Even as a kid, I understood on some level the magic that Julia had. In my real-life experience, women cooked to put food on the table and keep the kids and menfolk satisfied. It was a chore (granted, my grandmother on the dairy farm had ten children, and my mother was the oldest daughter–so they were cooking for and cleaning up after a small army three times a day). They did not enjoy it.

Then along came Julia, a six-foot-two preppie wearing an industrial-looking dress and pearls, wielding a giant cleaver, gleefully making a dead chicken dance on the small screen. Her joy came through, just short of palpable, for more than 30 years.

She inspired me to learn to cook something beyond the basics my mother produced for our family of seven. (One of Mom’s specialties was “Spanish Rice,” which consisted of hamburger browned with onion, cooked Minute Rice, and a jar of spaghetti sauce. Not sure where the “Spanish” part came into play)

In my adulthood, as I understood more of Julia’s story, my admiration for her grew. A child of privilege, she worked in Europe for the OSS, met and married Paul Child, the love of her life, and trained at the Cordon Bleu in Paris as a chef when women simply did not do such things. If you haven’t seen the movie Julie and Julia, do it now! The Julie storyline is completely forgettable (sorry, Amy Adams!), but Meryl Streep’s performance as Julia Child is nothing short of mind-boggling.

Here’s a link to the Smithsonian’s virtual exhibit on Julia Child. You can hear that famous warbly voice, see her kitchen recreated, and even look at some of the individual tools and gadgets she used.

And click here to watch one of the funniest parodies of all time: Dan Aykroyd playing The French Chef. Julia Child was said to have loved this so much that she kept a VHS tape of it. Note: you may want to watch this after breakfast!

So, in honor of her birthday, how about a small gift for all of you loyal readers? Here is my Secret French Toast recipe. No liver required. Bon appetit!

Suze’s French Toast

6 slices white bread (potato bread is delicious, if you can find it)

2 eggs

1/4 cup milk or half and half

2 tablespoons granulated sugar

1/2 tsp. vanilla (orange or almond extract is also delicious)

1 tsp. cinnamon

In a shallow bowl or pie plate, mix up the eggs, milk/half and half, sugar, vanilla and cinnamon. No need to drag out the mixer–a fork or whisk works fine. Dip the bread into the egg mixture, coating both sides. Don’t leave it to soak too long, or the bread will fall apart when you try to take it out.

Preheat an electric griddle or a skillet on the stove. Medium heat is best. Plop on a generous glob of butter. You want it sizzly, but not burning.

Take the bread slices out of the egg mixture, let them drain a bit, and place them on the griddle or skillet. Cook until golden brown and fragrant on one side (usually takes a couple of minutes), then flip and cook for another minute or two on the other side.

Serve with lots more butter, real maple syrup, and some berries or sliced bananas.