How I Get Ready For a Storm in 12 Simple Steps

Step 1. Denial.

There’s no storm coming. It’s just going to rain. You people are being ridiculous. I am not filling my bathtub with water.

Step 2. Obsessively check the weather reports.

The European track show the path of Sandy smashing right into New England.

Step 3. Curse like a sailor.

Stupid @#$&ing hurricane.

Step 4. Throw out everything that might stink up fridge if the power goes out.

Bye bye haddock!

Step 5. Realize you have no food.

Stupid @#$&ing hurricane

Step 6. Go to the store where hundreds of panicky people are buying everything in sight.

Water! I need water!

Step 6. Buy supplies.

Ben and Jerry’s Strawberry Cheesecake Ice Cream. Check. Red velvet cupcakes. Check. Vodka. Check.

My Fav!

Step 7. Get home and realize that you really didn’t buy any food.

Damn it!

Step 8. Assure yourself that you can survive a week on alcohol and junk food.

I love the natural kind. No orange fingers!

Yum. Cheetos.

Step 9. Scramble to find candles, lighter, flashlight and batteries.

Step 10. Spend ten minutes trying to remember the last time I saw those things.

I think I left the flashlight under the couch the last time I lost my keys.


Step 11. Start freezing random containers of water.

Step 12. Convince self that I’m ready for anything while praying that the whole thing passes us by.

What about you? How do you get ready?


14 thoughts on “How I Get Ready For a Storm in 12 Simple Steps”

  1. This is so funny, and so true! BTW, ice cream melts–but then you might prefer it soupy.
    My daughter asked me to “move in” with them in Deep River, since I’m on the shoreline, but the opportunity to finally organize my linen closet, oh my! Never mind organizing the studio, where forty years worth of papers lie, gathering a fine layer of dust (not so fine after all those years!)–how can I pass up such opportunities! Plus, I can lose weight when everything in the fridge goes bad. Best of all, to be in the eye of the storm–then, hope to live beyond it to write about it! What fun! P.S. Please don’t quote me about this at my funeral, OK? Just in case …

    The only conflict I have is about the bath tub: do I fill it with water, or save it to hide in (propped up by blankets and pillows, of course) when everything gets thunderous.

    P.P.S. I did get six books out of the library to keep me from boredom, so I may not get to the linen closet after all. A shame, really!

  2. My brother came down yesterday with a case of wine. This makes up for a lot of evil brother cruelty growing up (telling me there were sharks in our pond, hiding in my closet with a knife, etc.). Otherwise…um…yeah, making sure we have enough Ben & Jerry’s Peanut Brittle.

    1. My brother once scattered a box of tacks in my bed when we were kids.Ass. And I’ve never seen Ben & Jerry’s peanut brittle. What will they come up with next.

  3. All the deck chairs are inside and I took down the bird feeder. Was sad to take down the halloween decorations, but better to have them safe than to lose them to the 80MPH wind. We have water, candles, wood for the fireplace, flashlights and food (both people and dog). Nook is charged, lap top charged, phone charged, and wine cabinet is fully loaded. Yep … I’m ready.

  4. Sadly, with young kids to feed, my Hurricane Party days are both behind me and ahead. I bought all manner of easily-prepared-and-requiring-no-dishes-to-be-washed-with-hot-water-heated-on-the-grill. Plenty of water and just one bottle of Baileys. All the outdoor toys are put away and I’ve got the pellet stove going in the living room to boost the temperature a bit for when we lose power. All batteries are charged up, as well as the kindle and my phone. And all the laundry is done so that Mr. Poopy-pants has plenty of undies to soil. All in all, not the way I prepared for a hurricane in college. Enjoy these days Jamie, enjoy them! 🙂

  5. You made me smile, Jamie. Being that I live, eat, breathe, and write dystopian these days, you can imagine I’m fairly prepared for anything. We have a generator and plenty of gas to last for days, so we’ll have water, We Costco shopped this week so we have plenty of food supplies and a we live in a 170 year old post and beam farmhouse that has six inch thick solid wood walls. We just put on a new roof last week end, so we’ll see how it holds up. My only concern is tree damage. Being surrounded by 6000 acres of woods has a downside. Even so, I think we’ll fair better than most because the leaves are already off the trees up here–a significant factor in wind events. That saved us big time last year during the snow storm.

    Stay safe everybody! I’ll be holding a prayerful mind throughout the day…

  6. LOL you’ve got me laughing with the crazy steps people go through when a hurricane is coming. No doubt I’ve probably gone through a few of them myself. It passed by our area this year (I live in South Florida) but last Thursday and Friday as Sandy was passing through the Bahamas we got a lot of wind and rain from it.
    Hope all of the people along the east coast are safe and secure.

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