5 Arguments You Can Make Not to Procreate

My mother wants me to have a baby. Am I married? No. But that seems to be a minor detail at this point. I think she would be totally fine if I stole a baby from the hospital as long as she had something cute to spoil. We fight about this at least once a month.

“I want to have grandchildren. From you,” she says as she pokes me in the belly. “When are you going to start thinking about it?”

“I don’t want children right now. I’m only twenty-eight. I haven’t even been to Europe yet!”

“You’ve got it wrong. It’s only eighteen. It’s not only twenty-eight. You’re getting old.”

Then my brother chimes in. “You know she’s never going to have a baby, mom. She’s too mean.”

Another one says, “I’ll give you lots of grandkids, ma. When do you want me to start?”

We all look at him in horror, knowing that he should not procreate anytime soon.

“But seriously, Sugar. What about that guy you were dating? He had a good job and you two would make such cute fat babies.”

“But, he was an arrogant jerk and he was weirdly close to his mother.”

She shrugs and says, “That’s small potatoes. We need to think of the big picture here.”

My mother is clearly insane.

She cusses like a truck driver, is thinner than me and always takes every opportunity to embarrass me by dancing in public but I love her. And one day I plan to capture of her crazy awesomeness in writing but in the meanwhile I’m thinking up ways to distract her from my lack of babies.

Here are five arguments you can make not to procreate.

1. Point out that Oprah doesn’t have any kids. And she’s still pretty freaking fabulous.

2 . Remind her that you can’t keep a house plant alive, or that fish you won at the fair, and that you never have any food in the house.  And about that time you put your hamster in the washing machine because you thought it needed a bath. You’re totally not ready for a baby.

3. You would never lose the baby weight.

4. Tell her you don’t believe in sex before marriage. (Haha!)

5.  Remind her that you made it out of your teen years without any unplanned pregnancies, which is pretty damn good. And that you could have ended up like one of those TEEN MOM girls, but without the TV show and the fame and the Twitter following. 

So what about you? What kind of arguments could you make?

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