As most of you guys know my family and I made a cross country move this summer. We left the chilly nights and frosty air of Connecticut for the year round heat and humidity of sandy Naples, Florida. But, while life sounds like a beach, one has to admit the learning experience has given us much to talk about around the dining room table. Here I give you a glimpse at the top five things overheard at my house since our move to the Sunshine State.
5. Is that a mosquito or a Chinese throwing star? #ishityounot The damned thing was as big as my head. I ran inside like my ass was one fire, and grabbed my shoe to smash it, but the shoe wasn’t big enough. Dayum, that’s big!
3. “Mom, my flip-flop is twisted.” How do you twist a flip flop, I ask you? Give it to my son and he’ll figure it out. Especially the flip flops from Stride Rite with Spiderman on them. Uh huh. The expensive ones. Yep, me and the shoe store people are on a first name basis. They have a closer relationship with my credit card.
2. “Do iguanas really mate like that?” Trust me. They do. And not only do they mate like that they make sweet love on my doorstep. In the sun. Like a lizard freak show. I don’t know if I need to call an exterminator or Cinemax. Oh, my eyes! I try to be clever and tell my son that she’s just going for a horsey back ride. (He’s six and yes, I can lie) But sooner or later he’s going to catch on and it’ll be good old mama who has to explain the birds and the iguanas before she wants to. (Thanks guys!)
1. “We must be the youngest people here.” There’s only one response to that….it starts with No and Shit. The upside.. all the oldie goldies come for the early bird special. Us normal birds who eat after sunset generally get the place all to ourselves. The downside…its hard not to hit them in parking lots. We’re pulling in, they’re still shuffling to their cars. I’m told the “snowbirds” will be gone by March…Is it March yet?